How many people wish to me dead
How many people wish me to be dead
How many people wish upon me, death
Not so much wish
As they are secretly excited
Secretly excited at the possibility
Secretly excited at the possibility that
Secretly excited at the possibility that they beat out one more person
Beat out one more person that should've beaten them
Should've beaten them or mild lack of concern
Mild lack of concern or ambivalence, let's say
Even complete couldn't-care-less-ness
Couldn't-care-less-ness which has a tinge of fuck you in it
How many people
Wish
To me dead
I know the feeling
For in pure numbers
It is easy to count one in
No wishing death upon any one
Individual
In particular
Not wishing
Not wishing death
Not wishing death upon
Not wishing death upon anyone
But in pure numbers
Round and conclusive
There is lung cancer
There is colon cancer
There is car crash
Jiggly back fat
Not a direct cause
But the inability
To move the torso
With explosive energy
Would lead me to ambivalence
Leads me to ambivalence
Leads me to feelings of ambivalence
Lack of feelings
Non-feeling as ambivalence
Not a leading cause
But yet a nice round number
Included in a nice round number
To be included in a nice round number
Is not to wish death
Not to wish death to be upon
Not to wish someone dead
In a similar way
I do push-ups
I am not afraid to lift up my shirt
To fix my belt buckle
In a similar way
I run sometimes
Sometimes past people
Sometimes I run past people and whisper things under my breath
Sometimes I run past people and whisper under my breath, "death is on
your heels"
Sometimes I run past people and whisper, "move, asshole"
I would not be surprised
If these people
Wished death
To be upon me
I would not be surprised if these people were ambivalent about death
being upon me
I would not be surprised if these people couldn't care less about
death being upon me
Secretly
Keeping score
Chalking up another line
Secretly excited to diagonally cross the four pillars to make five
Secretly familiar with death
Secretly ok with it finding me first
Secretly wishing
Secretly wishing it found me first
Secretly wishing it finds the guy who does push-ups and runs, first
It's no secret
No secret to me
No secret to death
No secret to you
That we like round numbers
No secret that we have a soft spot for the individual
No secret that we secretly wish
We didn't
--
8.13.09
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